In the midst...

I keep ending up here. I keep thinking I won't again. But lately, I do. I keep wondering why. I keep having to remind myself of truth. I may not know why, but I know the One who does. I may not understand, but I can trust the One who judges righteously and does everything for my good and His glory. It may not be what I want, but the Lord alone can see the end from the beginning and He has decided this is what will conform me more into His image.

So, here I wait, 12 days before my fourth surgery in 21 months (making a lifetime total of 13). This will be my 9th abdominal surgery. My first was an appendectomy in the 3rd grade. Then, I had a pretty big break until giving birth to my first child at the age of 23. After Hannah's c-section I made it a regular occurrence to have a c-section every other year for the next 8 years (a total of five). Micah was born in August of 2009 and 8 weeks later I had a major abdominal hernia repaired, followed only ten months later by another major abdominal surgery and now, a mere 9 months later... May 20th I will check into the hospital for my first ever exploratory surgery. In March I had a CT scan showing a golf-ball sized... something... Many doctor appointments and tests later and we know nothing except that it shouldn't be there and it needs to be removed. We don't know what it is, where it came from and whether or not it is something that might return.

In the weeks following the "verdict" that I would need surgery again, I have really been challenged to cling to what I know it true. I feel like the little kitty cat hanging at the end of the rope on the postcard my grandmother had on her fridge all through my childhood which read "Hang in there..." but the kitty looked ready to drop off. That is me, I am clinging to the fact that God is Sovereign with all my might even though at times it feels like my grip is slipping. I am thankful for friends who keep reminding me of God's goodness and mercy and grace which is all sufficient for me. I am thankful for my sweet family who is doing more than their normal share of chores when I can't seem to take another step from pain or fatigue.

I am still struggling with bouts of anger. I do not want this. What I want is to be energetically keeping a welcoming and inviting home for my husband, to be joyfully serving and meeting his needs as the helpmeet God has called me to be. I want to be healthy and running in the backyard with my kids, chasing butterflies and digging in the dirt. I want to be active and busy about ministry both in my church and to my neighbors. I want to be baking cookies for my kids as a treat as they finish their assignments each day. But that is not my reality right now. The fact is that waking up every morning is a choice as the pain and fatigue and nausea are, at times, debilitating. The more active I am, the more pain I am in but having 6 little children under 9 years old does not allow for much "down" time. My mind is foggy and thinking clearly through the day is a chore, bedtime is a welcome sight, while the cluttered counters and toy strewn floor are not so much. Laundry and dishes are regularly "behind" and my pile of "to do" things just keeps growing. Yet, if I allow myself to wallow about looking at my circumstances instead of keeping my gaze fixed upon the Savior, I feel my grip slipping and my angry growing.

So, I remind myself of truth. First, the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. (James 1:20). Next, this is for my good, conforming me into the image of Jesus Christ. (Romans 8:28-29) Then, I remember that as a helpmeet to my husband, keeper-at-home, homeschooling mom of 6, I don't get much opportunity to share the Gospel outside the walls of my house. So, in Matthew 28:19-20 fashion, I am being given an opportunity to witness to and bear testimony of the goodness of the Lord to the medical community. Micah 6:8 reminds me what is truly God's desire for my life, and running actively and baking cookies daily aren't listed, whereas doing justice, loving kindness, and walking humbly with my God are.

And how am I doing? Each day a little better. I still cry a lot, and I am not a crier. This is hard. But this is good. God is faithful to do good and He is gently pruning areas of my life, revealing sin in my heart and washing me clean with His Word. I am being humbled. I am being broken. I am being reminded moment by moment, that in the midst, when I can't see the next step, that I can be like Peter when he stepped out of the boat, eyes fixed firmly on Jesus, and I can trust for the Lord of all creation to keep me afloat.