I marvel at my children keeping every random scrap of this or that when in reality, I have my own piles of "one day I might" with a cutely named Pinterest board to match. I keep boxes and boxes filled with "one day projects" but say no to the "can we now projects" because the floor is covered the remains of toys no longer loved or crafts never done. And I keep harping on the need to be good stewards at the same time the piles by my bed teeter back and forth threatening to crash at any moment. The hypocrisy of it has never been so apparent to me as it became this evening.
E was at a Spurs game tonight. So, after the kids' gymnastics and Tae Kwon Do classes, I got a haircut before we came home for dinner. I was tired and decided on letting the kids watch a movie while Dad was gone. During the movie, I decided to go pick up the craft room. I would like to think that one day I will craft here. For the time being, it holds things to make crafts with and when it is nice and neat I feel creative and inspired. When it is not, I feel crabby and angry. As I cleaned I realized there were too many things and not enough spaces. I also realized that there were things that I had purchased for crafts well into five or more years ago that I never touched, much less crafted with. This was actually not a unique realization. In the past I have convinced myself that "one day" I will or I would feel guilty that I spent money on this or that and thought that giving it away would make me a bad steward.
I have no doubt that the Lord orchestrated tonight's events. I went into my children's rooms at bedtime and observed their overflowing drawers and cabinets and nearly lost it. I am so tired of the constant battle against the mess. I told my children that they showed good stewardship by taking care of what they had or by being mature and humble enough to admit they needed to let something go. And then it hit me. I needed to stop feeling guilty for past decisions and purchases. I need to walk in light of Christ's forgiveness and cut the weights pulling me down. I thought that I would be a good steward to organize and keep so much, but instead it was weighing me down, hindering me from joyfully engaging my children.
It will be hard work. I will have to ask myself hard questions and be willing to swallow my pride as I get rid of this or that which I just had to have. It will be humbling. And I need to be willing to go to my children and ask for their forgiveness in setting a poor example of stewardship, especially since I have been so bold as to exalt myself as such a good one. I need to ask Elliott's forgiveness for not being a good manager of our resources. Of course, I need to seek the Lord and pursue His forgiveness and seek His guidance in changing my heart to rest in Him alone for my contentedness.
As I gaze at the first pile of many more to come, my mind dancing with the possibilities... Garage sale? Blessing swap? Drop-off donation? Save up stuff until I have enough to do something grand with or get rid of stuff in onesie-twosies as I have time in the midst of schooling and living and serving the Church?