Figuring it out...

I haven't been able to keep a coherent thought together for a couple of weeks now. I have wondered why I have a sudden struggle with insomnia. Why am I struggling with near constant headaches? What is causing me to be so ready with tears, especially when I am not a very emotionally teary kind of gal.

Two weeks ago we got some news. My father-in-law was diagnosed with an aggressive and high grade brain tumor. In some ways, we were ready for a diagnosis of cancer but we never considered it would be so advanced. The doctor seemed a little surprised too.

I have always gotten a kick out of my father-in-law. He is a retired principle, standing 6'6" with a booming bass voice, I always imagined how terrified I would have been of him had he ever been my elementary school principle. He was such a beloved principle, some of his students still keep in touch with him today, some 30 years later.

James and I have always been good about teasing each other. He always shares recipes with me that he thinks would be "interesting" and he still insists I should have named Hannah, "Zelda Nadine", so he calls her that from time to time. We love talking about a myriad of subjects, but I think he purposefully picked topics that "get me going" just to see me get all riled up.

When James had a car accident in March and was in the ICU, we were blessed by many friends at church who made it possible for us to be at his side almost continually during the first few days of uncertainty. All we knew was he had driven into another car and then had a seizure. We were thankful to be there for Elliott's parents, to pray with them and run errands for food or whatever was needed.

The second night in the hospital, I had the opportunity to stay with him in his room, my mother-in-law needing some sleep after more than 36 hours of being on duty. I don't know what I expected, but I didn't plan for being awake the entire night. James was easily agitated, I would chat with him to try to calm him down. His sleep was fitful, so I prayed for him. At one point I thought to start reading the Bible to him. Elliott had left me with his iPad. I used it, in the dark hospital room, to read through the entire book of Psalms (skipping the imprecatory Psalms) and some of the New Testament. Every time I was reading, James would fall into a peaceful sleep.

Before the staff kicked me out at 6am, I told James I was going to leave and reminded him that his wife would be there soon. He started crying. I wasn't sure what was going on. We talked for a few minutes about how he was worried about what was going to happen to him. I reminded him of all the medical things we knew... the tests they had run, the things they had ruled out, what they were looking for next, etc... but he was still upset and restless. I asked him if he was afraid of something else. He said yes. I asked him if he was afraid of going to hell. He said yes.

I know that what happened next was from the Lord because I could not quote it or give a word for word account of what I said or what Bible verses I referenced. But I shared the Gospel. I spoke of how we are sinners, guilty before God. I spoke of what the punishment is that we deserve (hell) and God's unbelievable gift of Christ coming as a man, to live the life we live but perfect and without sin, how Christ was hung on a tree in our place, and His glorious triumph over the grave. James has been active in his local church his whole life, but he was lacking an assurance of his salvation. I shared with him how Elliott, even after saying the "sinner's prayer" in 1999 was just recently and mercifully saved, when he called upon Jesus as LORD in August 2008.

For two days everyone had been praying for him, and over him, and with him. I asked James if he wanted to pray. I told him this was something no one else could do for him. And so, he prayed for himself. I could tell James was repentant, I have been married to Elliott for 11 years and can't remember another time I have seen his dad tear up, much less cry. He prayed and afterwards he was much more calm, a weight had been lifted off.

Over the last couple of months it has been precious to see him cherish things which never seemed to impact him before. He has been reading selections during church services for years but recently has been emotionally overwhelmed as he reads them, marveling at all God has done for him. He gives me the tightest hugs now, I feel my back pop. My sister-in-law teases me about how James loves me so much more now. And we talk of the eternal now, of God's Sovereignty and His perfect care for us. While my mother-in-law calls most everyone else with the updates from doctor appointments, I get my updates from James personally.

I have been easily provoked the last couple of days. I have been having fitful sleep or not being able to sleep at all. I haven't been able to drag myself out of bed. I have been skipping my quiet times. Tonight, as I was sitting here, things started to click. I am worried about the future. I am preaching to my in-laws to trust in God's perfect plan and yet, I am not. I have been processing through all that is happening and instead of focusing my sights on the Lord, I have been allowing myself to become overwhelmed and even feeling the pull of depression.

And while all of that sounds yucky... and it is... I am thankful for the Psalms. Some days I feel like the Lord included those in the Bible just for me. Early in my walk with the Lord when I read the Psalms straight through I thought David was pretty messed up. He would start a Psalm in complete despair, lacking all hope and feeling so cast down, only to end the Psalm rejoicing and praising the Lord. And yet, now I can see how wonderful an example David is for me.

Psalm 43:5
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.

God's Word calls to me, helping me figure out what has been going on. Drawing me to repent for not trusting Him more. Starting right now I will hope in God, praising Him alone, my salvation and my God.