When you can't...

There is nothing more discouraging to this mom than seasons of physical pain. They always seem to come just when things are starting to "work"... you know, when everyone is learning the new schedule, chores are getting done and children are eating lunch before 2pm. Then, WHAM! Mom goes down with pain. 

I always think and hope the pain will be short lived. I continue to power through and try my best to ignore it and not let the children know. Sometimes I end up irritable, and many times I sin in anger. And every time I do, I am grieved. 

But this time was different. Though I have endured a week full of migraines and debilitating back and neck pain, my heart has been turned toward gentleness and thankfulness. It was hard not to think about all the things I couldn't do between passing out on the couch and tears of pain, but I chose not to. 

Instead, I spoke softly (it hurt to speak in more than a whisper) and listened hard (pain is "loud" to me, so hearing people becomes incredibly difficult). My children stayed on task while I was unable to function at times. The house didn't burn down and people ate. I can't remember the last time the house was this clean. 

I wish I could say that this pain cycle has left. It hasn't. Not fully. And in its wake, a round of tests with unexpected results, which will likely translate into making some doctor appointments and more "unnormal" days. 

What I know is that God is near me ever so much more evidently in the moments of pain, than in moments of ease. And yet both are a blessing. Right now, there is no pretending that I am functioning in my own strength, for my flesh is weak. And maybe that it is, God is humbling my proud heart, bent on showing how capable I am and yet I really am a mere weak and broken vessel. God's grace, more real today than yesterday. Oh that I would live in light of His grace and mercy.