Sometimes I just get too busy to take the time to slow down and kneel.
Sometimes I forget how much I still need the Savior on a day-to-day basis.
Sometimes I can't remember the last time I humbly cried out to the Lord.
... a little grumble here...
... a slightly irritated tone there...
... a moderately raised voice...
... a quiet murmur of displeasure...
... a twinge of discontent...
Individually the above are seemingly insignificant, even normal in the "everybody has a bad day now and then" sort of way. If dealt with immediately, an admittance of guilt and a humble plea for forgiveness, they are forgotten. But as each sin snowballs into the next, and repentance is delayed, then the urgency for it dulls, the pressure and weight becomes overwhelming.
Was it my pride saying "I can do it faster/better/nicer"?
Maybe it was my selfishness crying "Why can't I even go to the bathroom alone?"
Perhaps it was an over-full schedule and an under-energy mom...
Too many night-owl nights and early bird mornings resulting in too little sleep?
No matter the reason, I made a choice to set aside the things that I did at first (Revelation 2:5) and my joy was seeping out. And as the pressure became unbearable, I remembered the call of King David in Psalm 51:12a - "Restore to me the joy of your salvation" and I cracked. I wept and repented, I saw my sin of self sufficiency in all its ugliness and I begged for the Savior's mercy upon me.
And here I stand, broken and thankful, quieted and repentant, hopeful and praying for tomorrow and for opportunities to not delay, but instead for humility and the grace to seek reconciliation and peace with those who share these four walls with me, and for friends who have been good to pray as I have struggled. More than anything, I am humbled and grateful for a God who seeks the lost to save, and leaves me not to my own, but lovingly disciplines as He would a beloved child (Proverbs 3:12).
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