The desires of their hearts...

We had a major, unplanned disruption to our lives earlier this spring. And there seems to be another gigantic, life-changing one lingering on the horizon. In all the changes, I have had peace and {most the time} am patiently waiting on the LORD. But I am pretty type-A, so lingering makes my head spin and distracts me from the day-to-day, even when I really try hard to focus.

Lately, my heart has been burdened for how things changed in our schedule back in March. The change was abrupt and unexpected, yet we weren't totally shocked. I've referred to that time as an amputation, because it really was an upheaval of all we had done for the past 14 months, no time for goodbyes or graceful exits. One day we were there and the next day we weren't. We went from a full and predictable schedule to a completely wide open and blank one. And as certain dates have come and gone, or I flip through photos on my phone, or kids start the "remember when" conversations, my heart is squeezed just a little more. Regret, guilt, sadness, and confusion all swirl around in my heart. Clinging to the fact that God is sovereign and is doing something good in the midst is the one thing that brings me comfort.

While we were in the swing of things we were pretty busy. And since our "step back,"  I have been wrestling with what it looks like to have six kids and allow them to be individuals. I've gone back and forth about whether it is right and good to force conformity and allow only one family activity (even if it is only enjoyed by a handful of the kids) for the sake of ease and simplicity, or if we are to somehow figure out to juggle each child's desired activity and learn flexibility and put a few extra miles on the car to accommodate a busier schedule.

I'm convinced there is no pat answer to this one. I watch friends whose families all do the same thing and some kids who are thriving, and others (not as interested in the chosen activity) who are discontent and disconnected. I have watched other families torn apart by competing schedules and no guarded time to be together. We've experienced a little of each in our own family as we have tried different things, which raises all kinds of questions in my own heart about being fair and trying to figure out how to allow these kids the experiences they will need to become the people God designed them to be.

So, while we sit with this wide open schedule, we talk about "what we want to do when we grow up". The kids all laugh at the absurd idea that their mom needs to grow up, then they throw ideas around. We've asked the kids to pray, not only for the lingering issue, but also the "once we are done lingering" decisions to make. Summer is around the corner, camps can be a great opportunity to try out new things before settling on an activity in the fall.

I am thankful that I can trust that God already knows my heart, that He knows that the desire of my heart is to pursue those things which He will use to mold these children He has entrusted to us to be the kind of people whose heart's desire is to serve and love the Lord and His people.

How do you do it? How do you balance family time and individual activities? I'd love to hear it.

My silly peeps...

About 363 days a year, I don't get involved in what my kids choose to wear. I mean, I buy them clothes at the beginning of the season, or to replace pieces torn in the wear and tear of an active childhood, but I don't get involved with helping select how those pieces get combined after the tags come off. But twice a year I take control over clothing selection... for family portraits and Easter clothes.

So, here's a few snapshots... I think the silly one is going to make it onto a canvas on the wall!

The little things...

If you know me in real life, you know I enjoy a good cup of coffee. Anytime. Anywhere. I love how it smells. How it tastes. How it brings friends together to share their hearts and lives. And thanks to some amazing friends who taught my kids "The Sippy Cup Song" by Hullabaloo, impromptu outbursts of sing-alongs with a side of boisterous laughter. 

One problem I have found with my love of coffee in the last year or so, is that I have become a bit of a snob. Part of it is practical, if I am going to spend $5 for someone to make me a cup of coffee, I want it to taste good. Really good. Better than I can make in my own kitchen good. Well, after I stopped adding sugar to my coffee, and most anything else as well, I began to realize that I was not a fan of Starbucks anymore; it seemed that they relied too heavily on their sugary syrups to right the wrongs of their espresso. So, I stopped going. Pretty much cold turkey. It freaked out my kids, saved me a ton of money, and simplified trip navigation because I wasn't on the lookout for the green and white mermaid in the sky.

All was well. I even thought about adding a "Friends Don't Let Friends Drink Starbucks" bumper sticker to my car.

And then, Elliott was given some gift cards to Starbucks. I knew it had been a long time since we had been to a Starbucks because as I pulled in through the drive-through one day last week, one of the boys called to me saying, "Why are we here? I thought you didn't drink coffee here anymore." I lamely replied, "I don't, but we got a gift card." And the folks who gave E the gift cards were generous, they gave us three, so I started stopping by anytime I didn't take the time to make my own coffee.

I began wondering if I shouldn't have just saved the cards and given them as gifts. I found myself making unnecessary stops through the drive-thru just because I had this gift card with "free" money on it. Kind of like this morning, when I made Caleb leave the house twenty minutes before we needed to so I could swing through the drive-thru at Starbucks.

I may be dating myself here, but do you remember the old TV series, Cheers? I watched it every week. I loved the lyrics to the theme song, "Where everybody knows your name... And they're always glad you came..." The song is like a welcome call to anyone looking for community, obviously, a bar isn't the best place to seek out true Gospel community, but the point is still that there is this safe place to go and be yourself. And maybe, somewhere deep down, that's why I prefer shopping at local places instead of big box stores. Or, if I do shop at a big box store, I'll drive past one that is closer to where I am to get to "my" store, where the aisles are in the right place and the folks at the check-out look familiar.

All that to say, this morning, when I completely selfishly drove through the Starbucks drive-thru, I was surprised to be recognized by the barista. The young woman has served me coffee through that window for at least the last three years. She has seen me looking my best, my not-so-great, and my I-hope-I-don't-see-anyone-I-know worst. And, today, she asked me how I was, said she'd missed me and wondered where I had been, and noticed my new car. Then, she shared with me an update on her life, some amazing things that were happening, and I had an opportunity to encourage her and rejoice with her.

I was immediately thankful that I didn't have the snarky bumper sticker on my car. Then, I was humbled by this young woman, who probably serves coffee to a few hundred people a week, remembering me and chooses to share her life with me, even in a little way. And I was challenged, too. How can I do better in things like this? When my gift cards run out, I'll likely become a rarity at my local Starbucks again. But how can I go about finding a way to become a part of my community, in a Cheers sort of way, but for a much deeper purpose?

Quickly brainstorming, I think of the Farmer's Market I go to every Saturday morning... maybe I should wander more, visit all the booths, and not just pick up my veggies and dash out. Or my local (and amazing) gluten-free bakery... they already greet us by name, maybe we should invite them for dinner. I have a friend who grocery shops on the same day every other week, maybe being more intentional and predictable would foster more opportunities than my current, "Oh dear, the fridge and pantry are empty" shopping schedule. I am realizing more and more that true community is built on the little things.

How are you seeking out your community? Pray for me, if you think of it, that I would do better in pursuing my community, shining the light of Christ wherever I go.

Finding my feet again...

I almost feel like I don't really know how to do this anymore...
Send off my thoughts into the great open world wide web...
Just to get the words out...
To encourage, I hope...
Maybe even inspire a fellow woman bumping along on this journey of mothering...

So, I am tiptoeing back in to the blogosphere. I can't promise regularity. Or encouragement. Or inspiration. But I am going to attempt to be transparent about the ways the Lord is shaping my days and changing my heart; not in a "I finally have it all figured out" way, but in a "you are not alone, this is hard, but God is good" way.

I'll be honest, I do struggle knowing how transparent I can/should/will be, so if I am vague in an area, please believe that I am desiring to share my heart but don't have the freedom to speak into specific situations with all the gory details in such a public forum. It may be that a situation is churning in my life that hasn't been fully resolved, yet the process is worth documenting. It may mean that I have been encouraged by some conversations or events with one of my children, but that I don't have that child's permission to share openly with the world. I might share my own struggle about being a wife who honors her husband and sharing the cause of the struggle would not edify my husband, but the process of seeking to see my heart conformed to Christ's image deserves remembering because it's the sanctification that is important, not the catalyst. Other times, it simply might be too personal to share details on a blog, and I need to protect myself.

If you have ever read my blog, or if you find yourself taking a peek back in time, you will know that I have struggled on and off with the whole social media thing. I'm gonna give it a whirl. We may be having some big changes around here and having somewhere to "jot it all down" is appealing. Especially since I throw out paper journals after I fill in the last blank page. (I have a thing about looking at my own handwriting. I don't like to. But the process of writing is something I love.)

So, while this kind of feels like an un-post, I just wanted to share where I am coming from moving forward. I realize I could have started a new blog, leaving the past in the past, but I'll be honest, I'm not one of the world's best "namers", and I kind of hope that if you look back (or when I do), we'll see God's work woven into the tapestry of my days, weeks, months, trials, and successes.

I hope you will join me, as I find my feet again... Feel free to say "hello" sometime. And I've said it before, I'm available in person, too. And I make some really yummy coffee if you ever want to drop by.

Seasons change...

Just like the Fall is blowing in beautifully right now, signaling a change in the seasons, so it seems my season for blogging has ended. I've been wrestling with this idea for some time, whether or not it was time to sign off, and just recently I have determined it is time to say thank you for all the years of reading the thoughts I have laid out on this page, and ask you to come for coffee any time you want to catch up with what we're up to. 

:)

Something about the quiet...

Our house is a buzz of activity all day. There are meals and chores, independent studies, and books strewn about. We have people working on handstands while I read aloud, while others color or do origami. As soon as I am finished reading, there are people to tutor and kids working on their memory work or upcoming audition piece. Piano practice mixes in with guitar practice and there is a glimmer of hope that one day harmonious music will come out of that upstairs multi-use room. Dishes flow in and out of the dishwasher like we were a big time restaurant, and the laundry train chugs along as the day weaves in and out of lessons in math, grammar, spelling and history. 

In the last year or so, I have really been striving to figure out how to fit our real book loving, homeschool family with diverse interests and hobbies into a practical minimalist box. I have purged and purged until I think I actually have more empty plastic bins than full ones. And yet, we still find ourselves buried under the weight of our stuff. And that stuff is almost never in the right place. So, when the piles grow to be overwhelming, I stay up crazy late and attempt to restore order. There is always trash, but more of the time, the piles grow from halfway put away stuff. The better I can keep all horizontal surfaces cleaned off, the quicker I catch people laying things down where they don't belong. 

And so, tonight, I unearthed the kitchen counter. This particular one seems to be the biggest "dump and go" culprit. I also cleared the bar which ranks as number two for kitchen clutter. There is something about a clean counter that makes me smile. 

And then there is our school shelf where we keep our current books and kids' keep their school bins. Let's just say, I need to stay up a little longer. 

I am actually encouraged by the mess and the piles. Why? Because it is proof that I am learning to walk in the Spirit and not be controlled by my perfectionist tendencies. It means I am placing a priority on the people in my life (my family, neighbors, and friends), instead of on my things. I still have a long way to go, I still find myself overwhelmed when things get out of control, but that is when I am so thankful for the quiet of the wee hours...

How do you manage the balance between prioritizing kids and household responsibilities? 

Little glimpses...

Not real wordy lately... Just schooling, and taxiing kids to practices and competitions, transitioning to a Paleo-inspired/whole food diet... Loving on my family, keeping up with laundry and dishes...